Cheese, Vodka, Butter, Chips, Jesus and Laughing Gas

This week, as I've eaten cheese, butter and chips washing it down with vodka and hot chocolate, I've been thinking. Why am I me? Why am I different, yet so many parts of me are still the same stubborn parts. Why won't all the hot chocolate dissolve even when there's rum and almond liqueuor in there. Why do my jeans still fit? (That one I figure is due to the magic of spandex in the denim.) I've also been miserable and unhappy with myself. I've been a bit grumpier than usual and I know it's because I'm not taking care of myself. Why the sabotage on my own personal joy?

Even with all these thoughts, I've been driven to terribly bad food for a while and it's snowballing. It scares me. The thing about my faith is that I have believed that Jesus has it covered if I'll ask for help and be looking and listening. What was scary was me being in the equation.I was getting scared I was going into hiding from Him again. Old behaviors come back so easily. I want the thoughts I had at 300 lb's, the ones that left me feeling depressed, angry and unloved, to go to the bottom of the ocean. And why can't that happen?

I love the time driving to Denton for church or choir practice. I listen to good music and pray. It's built in devotional time for me. This Wednesday I heard a song that talked about how none of the old me has to remain at all. I can happily let that go. I want to be the real Sara all the time. I was made to be loved for love's sake not for anything I've done or will do. Not losing all the weight yet doesn't have to be a weapon I use to beat myself up. It certainly does not mean I have to accept defeat and gain weight.

Those are all the deep thoughts I've had lately. This morning, I knew what I needed to do. My liver is not sexy. I have to get my liver sexy again!! I've got to detox for a couple of weeks to lose these cravings. Nothing nutty. Only good, very low carb foods for a couple of weeks. I'll lose the bloat, and maybe a pound or two; I'll lose the cravings for the carb loaded stuff too.

This weekend I have no solid plans. I'm going to relax. I'll prepare my cupboards and my mind for the switch. I am going to Walmart later to prepare for this. I think part of why Walmart is a drag is that noone is happy to be there--outside of a couple of teens who finally saved up enough for that new video game. Maybe if they put laughing gas in the air it would be a better experience. Well...DUH! That was a ridiculous statement, wasn't it?

Speaking of laughing gas....It had never made me laugh. It certainly would throw me a fine buzz, but never laughing. Until my tooth implant surgery that is! I was a laughing mess. I'm talking full on Sara cackle. I turned to the staff in the surgery room and told them that I finally understood why it's called laughing gas! I also apologized for being so ridiculous. Not long after that I was given the magic shot and was OUT. The surgeon told me I talked during the surgery and they'd never seen anyone do that before me. I probably had jokes. Hilarious things I had to say -- anesthesia or not. My humor must be heard! I woke and was told that I would not be able to eat with my "flipper" (cute word for fake tooth) in, I was no longer laughing, but crying. I always thought it was hard to feel cute on crutches. That's a breeze compared to self esteem when you are missing a tooth in the FRONT of your mouth. Less sexy than a stiff liver.